I wish I could sum up these big, complex feelings into small, simple sentences. But I can’t.
I don’t feel sad, per se - I don’t have any depression or mental health issues. I have a colourful life, a busy life, a loving relationship and a career which is fulfilling. The heaviness I feel, it’s more of a tiredness. A deep ache in the legs that carry me through my busy days, through my busy old life.
I don’t really want to be busy anymore.
Here’s a poem, “You Have To Try” by Wendy Cope. It sums my head up more than anything I could probably write, tonight.
“You have to try. You see the shrink.
You learn a lot. You read. You think.
You struggle to improve your looks.
You meet some men. You write some books.
You eat good food. You give up junk.
You do not smoke. You don’t get drunk.
You take up yoga, walk and swim.
And nothing works. The outlook’s grim.
You don’t know what to do. You cry.
You’re running out of things to try.
You blow your nose. You see the shrink.
You walk. You give up food and drink.
You fall in love. You make a plan.
You go to bed, because you can.
And nothing works. The outlooks grim.
You go to yoga, cry and swim.
You eat and drink. You give up looks.
You struggle to improve your books.
You cannot see the point. You sigh.
You do not smoke.
You have to try.”
Sometimes it feels like the world outside my head is so loud. The beeping cars, the shouty people with all their rage, the email and text alerts constantly lighting up in my hand. I try to sail over it all in my little ship of solitude. But sometimes the outside world leaks in, and I lose my ability to concentrate. The room I’m in feels too hot, I frantically try to open up the windows and let some beautiful, cold air in, but they’re jammed shut. It’s a total inability to relax. It’s been a couple of months of feeling like that.
There aren’t any answers for dealing with the big, heavy rocks that we carry, but I like to think the following is pretty close:
“Find meaning. Distinguish melancholy from sadness. Go out for a walk. It doesn’t have to be a romantic walk in the park, or spring at its most spectacular moment, or flowers and smells and outstanding poetical imagery smoothly transferring you into another world. It doesn’t have to be a walk during which you’ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter. Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself. Find meaning, or don’t find meaning, but ‘steal’ some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. Opt for privacy and solitude. That doesn’t make you antisocial or cause you to reject the rest of the world. But you need to breathe. And you need to be.” - Albert Camus
Over and out, from one chaotic mind to another.